So since weare planning to provide YOU with an AWESOME survival quiz, and then give you ways to prepare, we thought we'd start up with some non-dolphin apocalypse quizzes, such as this, the very best one.
http://zomboid.com/zombie/ It's everything we stand for! Dark, funny, action-packed--we can't WAIT until we have our own. Submit results, or ideas for questions below! Sorry for the short, plagiaristic post. It's the kind of journalism that keeps on giving!
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It's been awhile.we've been busy. With the discovery of the dolphins' weakness, we were conducting experiments. Survival! Espionage! But anyway, we're back. We can survive and we can show YOU how too. The select million will rise forever!
Thankyou for rejoining our headquarters. Agent 0011, out! The 3 people who have ever seen this site must be weepingI am so, so sorry. This site has been neglected for about 13 or so days. I had forgotten. I was depressed and bored. I abandoned my friends,and, in turn, they abandoned the D.A.P.A. We'll be back, I promise. The dolphins will attack by the next election, probably before. I have to say, for once in my 3-year life--I am hopeless. For once, with a heavy heart, I am ending the-- BUT WHAT'S THIS??? MILKSHAKE HAS JUST INFORMED ME-- THE DOLPHINS HAVE A WEAKNESSGET READY FOR IT: Chicken Flavored Hand Sanitizer. You mean SCENTEDNo, I mean flavored. Gross.Exactly. Hiatus is only one week, next week. More updates to come!!!
I have seen many theoriesThe Zombie apocalypse. Pfeh! Now THAT is totally unrealistic. These people are even dumber than us. Also, the nuclear war apocalypse, the humanity collapse apocalypse, and yes... EVEN A GRILLED CHEESE APOCALYPSE.These are mentally challenged people. We, of course, would never stoop so low.As Butterflydragon666 requested:A reference to Zootopia! DO you know why there are no dolphins in that movie? Because dolphins do not enjoy quality animated films. Or maybe-- DISNEY IS AGAINST THE DOLPHINS. Filmmakers neglected to include dolphins in their ocean-set movie, Moana, which makes no sense. But okay. WE'RE ONTO YOU DISNEY.Wrapping up our "In The Apocalypse" SeriesWe have one last tip on this series. It is: STAY NEAR CHUCK NORRIS. What?Chuck Norris is the one human dolphins fear, aside from Darth Vader, who they think is real. Let's not tell them. ANYWAY, just look at these facts:
Those are probably more in the way of Alternative FactsThis article was actually just an excuse for Chuck Norris jokes.
How do I get food?!Hijack stores, become part of the select million, ect. Yeah, I thought so. Do you have any recipes?I'm so very glad you asked! UNCLE BILLYBOB'S DOLPHIN FRICASEE If ye've got a hankerin' fer some mightehy goud eatses, try this fricasee with dolphin meatses! (This accent--ugh. Our Uncle BillyBob was messed up.) I CUP DOLPHIN MEAT Fry the dolphin meat with tomato sauce. I CUP TOMATO SAUCE Then add cabbage and eggs and fry them, too! 0.5 CUPS CABBAGE 0.5 CUPS EGG WHITES Now enjoy yer dolphin stew! 0.25 CUPS EGG YOLKS You just said this was a fricasee.Why don't you tell Uncle BillyBob who looks like this: That's Chuck NorrisNO, IT'S UNCLE BILLYBOB That explains how he got the dolphin meatIn today's episode of the "What do I do?" series, we will explore... How to say NO to a dolphin When the apocalypse happens, you will probably see a dolphin. Here's how to reject their sinister offers. Say "NO!" This one is likely to get you arrested or killed. Say "Yes!" This may sound like saying yes, to the untrained ear. In fact, it sounds like that to the trained ear too. We don't actually know why this is on the list. Neither of these is actually a good way. Why did you even make this list?!Fine, you want to leave? Go right ahead. ...I thought not. No, I actually do want to leave. That pause was me getting up.Oh.
What do I do if the apocalypse happens?Since this is such a great question, it will be answered in a series. Today we will deal with: Transportation After you hijack stores for food, hijack a gas station for containers. About 40 will suffice until you learn how to make your own. (Find someone with mechanic's experience.) A useful formation is the one where you have a tank instead of a car. They sell it at home depot. Probably. I don't think soWell, if you want to nitpick... I very much doFine. Then try a jeep where the driver has people holding shovels at all their sides. Those can bve used to stun bandits who want your car. It's great for a quick getaway! How do you know?I used it to run away from my Calculus teacher.
Now that we've seen fighting dolphins is useless (except a blowhole cover) is futile, the second strategy is here: bribing! What do I use?Well, dolphins have a weakness for cute things. Puppies, kittens, red pandas....
Also, sugar can be used, as illustrated in Whistle's story. Be careful with sugar, as some dolphins have such an addiction they will fight anyone for a taste. Oh no wait, that's five-year-olds. But also dolphins. |
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Author I am Dolphin Hacker 11., and I am here to save you. I am a rare rebel against the dolphin superpowers, and The Mighty Human Pawn Donaldus Trumpicus. Squeak!!! Archives |