GREETINGS TO THE HISTORY SECTOR!
I am another anti-dolphin personnel, despite being a dolphin myself. I am Whistle the one and only dolphin historian. If you pet me, I miiiight tell you a TAIL of the days in which dolphins had just begun to plot...
The American Revolutionary War (aka the Sugar Fight)
Yes, yes, you have all been misled. Those tiny little United States militias overthrew the big, bad George and his taxes, or something. An incredible war that founded the United States of Trumpicus, as we like to call them.
WELL THAT'S WRONG!! (Sorry, I get a little carried away...)
Dolphin powers were pretty stong in England, doing undercover puppet work and that sort of thing, but the foolish Emperor Tweety III loved suger. He loved it so much, in fact, that he wanted it alllllll to himself. So he pulled a few strings, and soon enough, poor old Georgie raised the tax on paper (which was made of sugarcane back then- totally not just in Minecraft!) and Tweety III was wallowing in sugar.
What he didn't know was that our colonist Elect Squeeeee of the Gulf of Mexico down in Florida (a dolphin colony, not an English one) ALSO loved sugar. And, since death and taxes are certain, even for dolphins, he had to pay extra clams (Tweety III also liked clams) just to get paper, which he used his dolphin telekinesis to convert back into sugar. (This is also why Florida has sugar cane farms- dolphins founded them!)
Squeeeee gathered up some forces with the help of northern dolphins near Boston . They didn't have trouble with this becuase the humans didn't like taxes either.
And they rebelled, and the rest is history!
WELL THAT'S WRONG!! (Sorry, I get a little carried away...)
Dolphin powers were pretty stong in England, doing undercover puppet work and that sort of thing, but the foolish Emperor Tweety III loved suger. He loved it so much, in fact, that he wanted it alllllll to himself. So he pulled a few strings, and soon enough, poor old Georgie raised the tax on paper (which was made of sugarcane back then- totally not just in Minecraft!) and Tweety III was wallowing in sugar.
What he didn't know was that our colonist Elect Squeeeee of the Gulf of Mexico down in Florida (a dolphin colony, not an English one) ALSO loved sugar. And, since death and taxes are certain, even for dolphins, he had to pay extra clams (Tweety III also liked clams) just to get paper, which he used his dolphin telekinesis to convert back into sugar. (This is also why Florida has sugar cane farms- dolphins founded them!)
Squeeeee gathered up some forces with the help of northern dolphins near Boston . They didn't have trouble with this becuase the humans didn't like taxes either.
And they rebelled, and the rest is history!
The Moon Landings
This one KIIIIIIIIIIIND OF happened.
One day, at the peak of dolphin power (the peak before this one) King Neptune was worried. With all external threats eliminated, internal conflict had begun. Sieges and raids on his rightful power could not be tolerated. To make matters worse, the dolphin armor material, maridium was running out.
But, luckily, the famous dolphin physicist, Click, had come up with a far-fetched but seemingly possible solution : there could be maridium on the moon.
With time and manipulation, the dolphins set up two powerful nations at a stare-off: Russia and the US. American spacecraft landed on the moon and brought back rock-- but it was not maridium and there was not nearly enough of it. This lead to the eventual downfall of King Neptune.
But, luckily, the famous dolphin physicist, Click, had come up with a far-fetched but seemingly possible solution : there could be maridium on the moon.
With time and manipulation, the dolphins set up two powerful nations at a stare-off: Russia and the US. American spacecraft landed on the moon and brought back rock-- but it was not maridium and there was not nearly enough of it. This lead to the eventual downfall of King Neptune.
Area 51
Ah, yes, Area 51. There's a niiiiiiiiiice story behind that one.
Aliens. The most pathetic excuse possible, and humans thought of it. Well, whistleeee that was dead wrong. The governments were hiding something much scarier: the DOLPINODROID.
At that time, dophins were scared. They were scared because of SeaWorld and the poaching and Uncle BillyBob and Chuck Norris. (Heck, who isn't scared of Chuck Norris?)
So they created a DOLPHINODROID: a craft that could not only destroy anything in its path but could carry a live dolphin inside. It was sent into space to be tested, but the pilot went on a sugar rush after smuggling some onboard and crash landed in New Mexico.
And the humans found out about dolphin technology. No wonder they shut that up.
Aliens. The most pathetic excuse possible, and humans thought of it. Well, whistleeee that was dead wrong. The governments were hiding something much scarier: the DOLPINODROID.
At that time, dophins were scared. They were scared because of SeaWorld and the poaching and Uncle BillyBob and Chuck Norris. (Heck, who isn't scared of Chuck Norris?)
So they created a DOLPHINODROID: a craft that could not only destroy anything in its path but could carry a live dolphin inside. It was sent into space to be tested, but the pilot went on a sugar rush after smuggling some onboard and crash landed in New Mexico.
And the humans found out about dolphin technology. No wonder they shut that up.
The Great Pyramids At Giza
Ah, the Pyramids-- one of the wonders humans celebrate by building them in Minecraft. As magnificent as they are, there is one thing wrong with them:
They are not really one of the wonders of the man-made world.
Dolphins built them.
Let's take a closer look.
Your Pharaoh Khufu was vain. Creating monuments, and being cruel, etc.,etc. But one day, the humans who built them started getting tired. They dropped bricks. And they could never build huge enough things.
Luckily for Khufu, these were they days when dolphins were playful and innocent. They were easily lured. So they built Khufu's tomb-- underwater.
Now you say: "Wait, Whistle. those pyramids-- they aren't under water."
But these were the finest minds dolphinkind could muster! They used the art of--
MAGICNESS. (Luckily, by now, they have lost the art.)
And the tombs were magicked to the land! That's why they are the only original wonder left standing.
They are not really one of the wonders of the man-made world.
Dolphins built them.
Let's take a closer look.
Your Pharaoh Khufu was vain. Creating monuments, and being cruel, etc.,etc. But one day, the humans who built them started getting tired. They dropped bricks. And they could never build huge enough things.
Luckily for Khufu, these were they days when dolphins were playful and innocent. They were easily lured. So they built Khufu's tomb-- underwater.
Now you say: "Wait, Whistle. those pyramids-- they aren't under water."
But these were the finest minds dolphinkind could muster! They used the art of--
MAGICNESS. (Luckily, by now, they have lost the art.)
And the tombs were magicked to the land! That's why they are the only original wonder left standing.
Any requests?
I may or may not be out of ideas. Just comment on any blog for your submission to be added to the page!
PLEEEEASE I'M OUT OF TAILS TO TELL
PLEEEEASE I'M OUT OF TAILS TO TELL